Changing my mentality and letting go of my resentment
In my cultivation I had ups and downs and thought I was doing fine until three years ago on one day when I could not get out of my bed, stand up straight or even walk one step.
I could not keep my balance as I tried to get out of my bed after a night's sleep and I felt dizzy.
I felt a little bit of panic and did FZN but my situation did not get any better.
As a policy at my work I contacted a doctor and this doctor said it was a problem with the organ of equilibrium, the organ of balance, and that I was in an imbalanced situation.
The other things he said like heart and blood pressure etc did not reach me as I heard the word imbalance echoing through my body. The following days I did Fa-study and FZN when it was possible and after a few weeks I slowly recovered and started working again.
After this situation of feeling unbalanced happened I started looking deeper inside and was determined to find the root that caused this imbalance.
In my youth I looked up to my older brothers and sisters but I never got close with them. When my brothers and sisters left the parental house and started their own families, I was at home as a youngster alone with my parents. My father and mother loved all their children but still showed their preferences and often talked in a negative and bad way about some of them. They often complained because they felt socially mistreated in life which affected me, it was like a dark negative force hanging in the house that started to influence me.
Music was around me when I was young as my father and brother played brass instruments at a higher amateur level and at a young age of about 8 years old my father took me with him to the local woodwind band. In my area where I grew up, woodwind bands and fanfares are part of traditional culture. Almost all bands play concerts and once in a while join a competition. These competitive concerts help to raise the musical level of the bands. For me it created a competition mentality which developed a strong ego, and resentment. This competition mentality became even stronger after joining competitions for soloists where I played solo pieces. After I decided to go to the conservatory in Maastricht I struggled with the modern repertoire which I did not like. But I also lost my confidence in playing music as I could not stand the pressure, I was frightened of making mistakes and I stopped taking lessons.
Many years after I stopped taking lessons I felt bad that I stopped and my resentment grew.
Looking within
Master said:
“A notion, once formed, will control you for the duration of your life, influencing your thinking and even the full gamut of emotions, such as your happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy.”
(“Buddha Nature”, Zhuan Falun Volume ll)
Along the years that I cultivated I felt there was something more that I did not touch upon yet or reach yet, there was something more that kept me from breaking through levels and reaching higher levels.
For example when there were hardships or situations where I would get angry with people and not be compassionate. Or at moments that I wanted to step up to people to do truth clarification a fear would block me.
At home with our 25 year old son who is not self-sufficient and depends on us, asking for help, many times I try to cultivate compassion and tolerance as much as I can but in situations with him I still see that my anger and discomfort can show itself and therefore am not always calm.
I often thought about why I had to go through these hardships with him which came down to my resentment. I thought of being unfairly treated and after looking back at this I saw that I did the same as my parents did when I was young.
In the Tian Guo marching band I trained members in direct training and regional training and training online to improve the level but sometimes I had negative thoughts like that the progress was not good enough.
Changing my mentality
After the “warning stick” situation with the imbalance I had a deeper wish to change my mentality and eliminate the resentment feelings and bad thoughts.
After having this wish I had the sensation that this feeling of resentment and this bad mentality was not me, it was not my true self. This gave me a huge inner insight and I rejected it with deep Righteous thoughts.Every time I had bad thoughts about a person or situation I acknowledged it and reminded myself about this and sent it away with very strong thoughts. Now every time I notice it, it feels like my inner self wakes up every time and takes control.
From Zhuan Falun
“Your Main Consciousness Should Predominate”;
“There is another powerful karma that greatly affects practitioners-it is called thought karma. People have to think in leading their lives. Because one is lost among everyday people, one will often develop in one’s mind thoughts for fame, benefits, lust, anger, etc. Gradually, these thoughts become the powerful thought karma.”
Every time such a negative thought wanted to block my inner self I acknowledged it and sent it away. The times this happened it felt as if I took off a dirty coat or stepped out of a cage that blocked me for a long time.
Every day I have to be on guard and be righteously grounded in Dafa and in these moments I feel that I make breakthroughs and feel uplifted like being in a cloud free from these chains of resentment, unfairness and ego.
Master said:
“A wicked person is born of jealousy.
Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself.
A benevolent person always has a heart of compassion.
With no discontentment or hatred, he takes hardships as joy.
An enlightened person has no attachments at all.
He quietly observes the people of the world deluded by illusions.”
From “Realms” in “Essentials for further advancement”
This jingwen from Master helps me enormously.
Thank you Master, every time I read it or recite it I feel the demons fleeing and I feel calmer every moment.
The last few years I have had less problems with my son and I can guide him in a calm manner.
Also with my wife I notice I am more calm with more understanding and compassion.
Looking back I think with a more peaceful and compassionate heart towards my parents.
Concerning the marching band I apologize if I was in any way unfair or rude.
Now I can lead the trainings free from fear or doubt.
I do my best in the things that need to be done as a coordinator and do not give energy to doubt and negative thoughts like for instance doubting about our music level.
I see and hear now that our music level is getting better.
It's amazing that band members can fulfill our mission and reach this musical level besides all the other projects they do, I believe solemnly it is done with Master help.
I have found out that not giving up but to keep on cultivating within Dafa on a righteous path is the key.
Thank you Master for your compassion and for guiding me all the time.
The above is my sharing at my current level.
Please kindly point out to me anything that is not in line with the Fa
2025 Prague.
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